Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
