we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
