I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
