I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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