The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
