she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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