Someone shit on the floor
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
