Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
