Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize