Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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