I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
