My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
