yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
