I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
