I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
