Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
3pm strippers are depressing
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
