So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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