Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
