shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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