just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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