I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
