Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
