Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
