Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I need to calm my uterus...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
