Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
