I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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