Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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