there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Even the bartender felt bad for me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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