just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
