Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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