So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
