Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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