i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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