I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
