paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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