I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
