i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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