Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
