You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
accomplished twins. life is a go
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
