woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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