apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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