I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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