I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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