when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
