I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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