Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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