You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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