you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
