The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
