im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
