Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
