I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize