so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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