For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
