I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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