fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
