never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
