Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize